Just For Me

But like, what if she died?

I knew in my gut that TMZ had gotten it wrong, but why was I slightly disappointed when Ava found Deborah alive and maybe not so well?

I’m not sure if it’s because I see myself in Ava or something else, but I’m really interested in who Ava is without Deborah.

Not a sad or lost Ava who wishes she were still working with her partner in crime, but an Ava who wants more for herself than what she and Deborah can create.  

An Ava with friends, a healthy relationship, and a life where she is at the center.

At this point, we know that Ava and Deborah work well together (when they’re getting along) and love each other despite everything that has happened. We also know that if Deborah has a big goal, Ava will work hard to help her achieve it – from selling her comedy special, helping her secure Late Night, to becoming number 1.

What we haven’t seen is an Ava who is ready to step out from Deborah’s shadow. If season 5 is like its predecessors, we’ll likely see Deborah circumvent her legal challenges and prove to everyone that she’s more than just the comedienne who killed Late Night. Although I’m sure this would be a hilarious and delightful watch, hasn’t Deborah proven enough? We’ve seen her beat the odds, and we’ve seen her grow. In comparison, Ava seems stuck.

For Ava, all roads lead back to Deborah, whether it’s her career, her love life, or where she goes on vacation. She insists on being as close to Deborah as possible and remains committed to their relationship no matter how much it harms her. She’s either uninterested in a life that doesn’t revolve around Deborah, or she’s afraid of creating a life that centers her own wants and needs. Either way, it’s time to cut the umbilical cord.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a sense of pride when Ava blackmailed Deborah at the end of season 3. She fought dirty, but more importantly, she fought back. She went after what she wanted and chose not to wallow in the pain of Deborah’s betrayal. I was excited to see her stand her ground in season 4 and felt hopeful when she told Deborah that she was leaving the show and had had enough of their fighting.

Despite how heartwarming it was to see Deborah give up Late Night for Ava, there’s a part of me that wishes she hadn’t. Another betrayal could’ve pushed Ava to step outside of her comfort zone and pursue a different path. To explore her other interests instead of following Deborah to Singapore.

It’s not that they need to take a break for Ava to grow; I just think it’s more likely to happen when they are not together. I don’t truly want Deborah to die or for her to mistreat Ava, but Ava’s default is to hold Deborah as tightly as she can, and I doubt she’ll loosen her grip without a little encouragement.